Sunday, August 30, 2009

Is Life Hard Enough Yet

These days lately have been some of the toughest I’ve lived in a while. I’d have to say about thirteen years to be honest. That is when I returned to my parents neck of the city, not woods, to assist them in caring for my grandmother, whom I dearly adored. She was like a second mother to me and was always there for me, to offer words of wisdom, guidance in troubled times. It seemed as if I could have a conversation with her more candid about life’s issues, and times when situations and family seemed impossible to deal with. She was one tough old gal, sometimes down right mean through and through, but that was one of many qualities I liked and respected in her. In her later years of life after my grandpas passing on. I felt bad that she was pretty much left alone as all of us were completely busy with our own families and financial complications, work and education, friends and so forth. Eventually, it dawned on me that no one except her circle of a few friends from the church she attended and my immediate family visited with her any. She was living by herself and stress, worry, loneliness got the best of her. She had health issues that ended up with a stroke and a fall, that put her in the hospital and then a wheel chair. Her grieving and all got the best of her and finally my parents decided to move her in. It was at that time that I came back to help out with caring for her, because I knew that it would be hard on them. She was full of anger and resented the fact that everyone only came once in a while to check on her during her aloneness time after grandpa passed on. She became cumbersome of life and lost her willingness to recover from what I saw as a runaway train headed for derailment. My mother and my father weren’t real sure of how to get her to cooperate and do the necessary things to return to a better condition. When I arrived and assessed the whole situation, I immediately realized that my grandmother/mother had all but given up on life and only wanted it to be over. Barbara Olivia was her name, and the zest she once had that drove her was gone. I ended up pretty much loosing my sanity over the whole arrangement and trying to care for her under the supervision of my parents in their home. I had a sit down with my mom, who I believed would understand what I was experiencing and we both agreed I needed to do something else before I completely burned out and ended up in an asylum somewhere vegetating. Well, I left there emotionally drained and after being co dependent to a friend for a while who was battling with cancer, I did end up in the mental hospital under observation, resulting in being put in a 28 day treatment program for addictions of which I had many, too numerous to say. Made it through all of that, picked up the pieces of what was left of me. Two divorces, addictions, depression, and an overactive imagination almost took me out! Started to get it together and try taking a shot at living again. Starting over, was extremely hard at first, but once I started going to meetings and listening to others share their lives, I realized I was not the only one struggling with all the problems that come with life,friends and family. Each passing day I got my strength back to resist the temptations that freedom allow and became a little more disciplined and efficient at day to day living in a world full of loneliness and spiritual emptiness,poverty and just plain adversity. I have to stop here and post this much. I will read this and take up where I’ve left off another day. But for now, I can say sharing is caring and this helps me to process what I am calling my adult life. Well, another day has come,a Monday at that. Man what a Monday it has been too. At present I am back living and caring for my dad. He has just recently been diagnosed with Squamous Cell Lung Cancer stage3B and just finished undergoing 8 weeks of Radiation,Chemotherapy to try and remiss the tumor in his lung. Poor guy was really out of shape even before he started treatment and now he is severely fatigued, depressed and confused about what life will throw at him next.He is physically and emotionally tapped out.He doesn’t know whether he wants to go on or quit living. Good days and bad ones, they seem to all run together now. It has been really hard to see him in such a totally down state. About five years ago he had to have triple by-pass surgery for his heart and that took most of the wind out of his sail, then my mom suddenly passed on really doing a number on his mindset. he took her death very hard, but survived it and now this. All I can really say is that I too am feeling the hurt and much of the hopelessness that he is experiencing, probably cause I’ve been there with him through all the trials in life’s bumpy and uncertain road. It is amazing how resilient the mind and spirit of a human can be when adversity on top of adversity keep trying to tear you down. Thus that old saying, what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger and of more character. I am writing this mostly because I want to feel better and I was once told that writing your thoughts down helps process true feelings and for some reason it helps to overcome the harsh realities of events that affect you. 

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